The first time I [thought I] dissociated, my senses were awake but everything in my periphery had turned into thick, glossy plastic. I saw the trees by the walkway as two-dimensional and believed that if I went over and pushed, the wall would topple over.
I went on (another) period of personal turmoil — a jaded excuse. It started with an intensely emotional departure from the nearly-three-year job I was once loyal to, followed by a cyclical bipolar episode and ending with the loss of a grandparent. I imagine it like a semipermanent dissociation from life.
I felt a definite distance from all that was happening, and I greeted most things with resentment. Whatever I should call the reaction to emotional trauma. Mistrust was now generic, coated in bitterness. After all the lowness I had attracted in my life so far, I was still the one who had to prove myself worthy to re-enter the fight. The damage control was my assignment.
What I often want to express, that also often is understood as more excuses, is how the darkness impairs me. I’m convinced that my cognition isn’t what it used to be, and neither is my empathy, my soft ambitions nor my experiencing of urgency. I got comfortable with the concept of regression, just in case. I wanted to check myself into a ward or facility and be subjected to child development activities. Learning to socialize, to take accountability, to take care of myself selfishly.
This isn’t meant to be a positive post in any way but as a plot twist, even to me as I write, that’s what’s next.
As I move tentatively towards witchcraft (a term I’m taking time to boast about) as a coping activity, I’m urged to study the Law of Attraction. I’m nudged to associate with higher vibrations, cast it into my intentions, build spells around it if necessary but altogether to exercise that spiritual muscle by any means necessary. I can’t call myself a believer and practitioner if I don’t. This will take time, as a recovering doubter and worrier, but I want it to happen.
And so I pen this down into practice today, I confirm that I am connected to the Universe even should I not remember it, that I am made of light and that I will continue my healing process.